Joy.

So, I'm just so amazing joyful today. I'd say happy but I can't because Happy doesnt begin to explain i. Im joyful and Im just aimed like an arrow at a bullseye for God. See this week started last sunday right, where I met with some lovely friends of mine for awhile and talked. I left there with a firm idea that something had to change, that something needed to happen to get me focused on God nad not myself or any other crap. See I've been having a hard time really focusing at my church, and I jsut wnated to see if I went somewhere else if it would help. It did greatly... But I dont think it was necessarly the chruch, I think it was my mindset going in. Some things became very clear to me that night, as if God was kinda just slapping me and saying "Hey I've been trying to tell you this for like months would you just listen" haha. (: anyway they are,
1. To quit focusing on my schedule and Focus on what really matters.
2. Put God in everything I do.
3. Don't be ashamed at school about my faith.
4. TALK TO GOD. - don't just forget about him because your to busy,

So i did exactly those things. I walked away wednesday night, with a mind set of running towards christ not away from him. No more of this "Ill focus on God when I have time" crap. I went to bed, after a good hour or so of just talking to God and reading the bible. I woke up the next day rejuvenated, excited, and happy. I headed out to mock trial, and i brought my bible and this book crazy love. I read and even had some pretty cool discussions with some of my mock trial team members. I was happy, I wasn't afraid to say God is number one.

Then friday came and I was pumped out of my mind because I got to leave for a mission trip to des moines with some pretty legit(imate) people :P Friday was okay, we met some people from this other group and we hung out and played games then they left and we got together and had this pretty awesome bible study instead of goofing around like we could have. We talked about God's light and I was just so hapy to be focusing on something that I just wanted to spend all my day on. After I had a pretty cool conversation with a friend of mine on what I wanted to walk away with as a mind set after tomorrow. Then we headed to bed.

Then Saturday came. A day of just amazing-ness. We heard this testimony of a guy, who was homeless and was now in the program we were working with that day. His story just inspired me so much, and jeez i dont even know how to explain it. it was just like, wow. Here's this guy who's been through a ton and all I saw in his eyes was light. A light from jesus, a peace from God. It was just, wow. Then we got to serve to some of the homeless, and they just were so thankful that we were their, I touched my heart to see them smile. We also got to mingle and I talked to this one dude named Dougles. Douglus got to me a bit. There was just a lot of hurt in his eyes, and it killed me... He had a huge wall up, and he looked almost embarrassed to talk to me. He sat by himself.. I just I wanted to reach out to him and tell him everything's was going to be okay, but he had that wall up... and then on our way over I shared this with the people in our van and Becky said "You know the best way to break down a wall, is to not have one yourself" and it hit me.... like wow, she's right on... Im not going to lie, I have this huge wall up and it needs to come down... But that's a whole different blog haha..

We also heard this story, about some people who have moved down to the tent cites... This story hit me like a ton of bricks. I was confused, I didnt understand why people were doing something! See, these two people moved in, and they have this girl captured. These two guys have been going around raping people in the tent cities, and at night you apperantly can hear the screams of the girl they have captured, because they beat her so bad... I tell you what, that story was heavy on my heart the rest of the day, as we worked at the shop as we drove home, as we ate supper. I couldn't even focus my mind was just on it. Angry, and hurt. Scared and upset. Wanting to do somehting but knowning physically I couldn't. Untill finally I jsut started balling. I just let it out. I was angry at the men. I was angrya dn I wanted them to be punished. I wanted that girl out of there, and I wanted all the pain their causing on the women down there, 100 times worse on them... Then I was reminded of the power of prayer. How I needed to pray ebcause that's all i could do. That it was up to God. So I did, silently to myself as my friends talked around me. I prayed and I prayed for the girl, and for the women in the tents. Then I said amen and I felt as if I wasn't finished praying. Like there was something else I should pray about... Then I realized, how being angry at the men wasn't going to help... How I was hating the sinner, and not the sin and how that was a sin in itself. God says love your enemies. God says pray for your enemies. So I closed my eyes,and I prayed for them, that they would find God and that they would realize what they were doing is wrong... Though my heart still feels heavy today for that story, I've just been praying over and over for them... I feel like sometimes I forget the power of prayer...

So that was Saturday, and I stayed the night at Kasey's house that night and had this really awesome talk with her, about everything and I was joyful through it. i wasn't focused on my past I was just focused on what I need to be doing to get closer to God. I went to church today with that mindset and well, haha the same thing Pulse had talked about Wednesday night, we talked about today in church. Only a little more educational on the verse but it was good. In fact it was great. Afterword I got to share a little bit about the mission trip with some friends and then I headed home... and slept because i had been lacking it haha...

Then we had girls group tonight. I love girls group when it gets discussing things. I just, I dont know why it's so amazing when a group gets together and talks about God and asks questions and it's just great. We talked about a lot of different things but the main focus was on being a follower of God. Basically bringing up that we always have to be moving toward God. So that's what Im going to continue to do. Move toward God.

Tomorrow I'll be headed into school. I'm going to be okay. If something happens, I will turn to God for help. I wont let it get me down. I just want God to use me, I want to do what he wants me to do. I want to remain joyful for him, to want to spend 24/7 with him, because this feeling is amazing. I've been happy before, but not like this... This isn't just "happy" I feel like for the first time Im actually filled with Joy, despite my worries.