Random thoughts..

Well, I've been having a bit of an off day... I'm not sure you can even call it that, it's more of a bad day. It started off okay I suppose, I went to church and Pastor Jordan gave an amazing sermon, it reminded me of being at camp. I miss camp, but then again I could create me own camp here... The reason I miss camp so much is because of how big of a spiritual high I was on...and how warm it was, how i miss summer, ha..... but I shouldn't just want mountain top experiences with God, like camp, I should want a mountain top life with God. It's not that I don't, I mean I totally do. It's just hard.. You're not around the type of environment you are at camp. You can't just pull your bible out and read without getting weird looks here...I took camp for granted and now it's gone. I don't know...

Anyway, today's just been off... While at church I listened, it was amazing just like I said before, but afterword as I sat there and watched at this group of friends talked and talked, I was kind of on the outside, and I realized, they've known each other their whole lives basically... They've devolped this connection that I'll never have. I'll never be able to say I've known this person since I was five...

WEll I shouldn't say that, I've known this one person for a very long time because our mothers are friends, and when he moved from my old school to my new school i was SO happy. It was like something good was happening. Then he started dating a friend of mine from the new school, and it's kinda awkward. I've lost both of them now, and I get the whole "love" thing they're going through or whatever but, I don't have a lot of good memories from my childhood, and he was a friend that helped me remember that things weren't so bad. It kinda kills me that were strangers now, but I'll never admit that and I know for fact he won't be here reading this.

Anyway, so I was in a kind of bummed mood from that and I headed home, my mom was at work so I had the house to myself. I started homework and this puzzle and watched Bones and things were okay I suppose. I don't really like to be alone because I get to thinking about things to much, I'd much rather just shove stuff away. Or how do people put it.. "Bottle up my emotions?" I don't know, nor do I care.

Then my mom came home, and my mom and I don't have that great of a relationship, that's not secret but things were okay I guess. I told her about the breakaway information I had gotten today, though I'm unsure of whether or not I want to go, I decided just in case she should know. She said I had to decide between Breakaway or camp. So I'm stuck on that.. Which one? Some people say Breakaway is better than camp, but I loved camp... So I'm stuck.

Then it comes to right now, almost 3 am and I can't sleep because to be honest, I'm terrified of sleeping now-a-days. I know the whole "pray before your sleep so God can protect you from your dreams", but I've done that before and still the same old nightmares. I don't know, at least they're not as weird as they were a couple months ago... I feel as though things are stuck in a rut right now. That it seems things are getting better and then you look back and realize you haven;t moved at all.

Oh well, I don't think anyone will read this, it's kind of random. Ha ha. I'm just hoping maybe since I've gone through a couple things I will stop thinking so much and maybe get to sleep since I do have to get up in 4 hours...

Night y'all...