Truth...

The truth... that's a hard one for everyone these days...but I'm going to attempt it. I've been thinking a lot this past month, about what's happened this last 8 months... 8 months ago I attempted to kill myself, a bottle of vicodin that ended up in a 2 days hospital stay..Afterward I confided ina friend of mine, i won't mention his name but we have this relationship, because were still really good friends, where we like the same things. We are both obsessed with this show called House, which the main charector was a vicodin addict... This friend of mine, after I told him what happened, asked " Where you just trying to be like house?" laughing it off like it was no big deal... Which is what I thought, it was no big deal.

You watch any T.V. show and theres death everywhere, people addicted to substinces, people downing medicine like no tomorrow. I talk to people I know and there obsessed with the image that life isn't worth living. Like death is no big deal... In fact, I can go to facebook right now and count about 10 status from my friends TODAY alone talking about suicide.... but a different friend of mine came so close to death, I felt so guilty for reasons I won't mention on here because I do believe there is a limit in honesty. So close and now that friend walks around as good as new. Joyful that she's on this earth.

However, back to April, I laughed waht happened off. I flew threw the hospital stay like it was nothing, telling myself that I couldn't fail a second time. I jsut had to be more careful about how I went about it... When I heard my friend say " are you trying to be like House" With a little laughing smiley face behind it it just hit me... This isn't a T.V. show. people shouldn't be so easy with death. I was desperate, I was depressed, and I wanted to believe in SOMETHING. Then a person, I really didn't know at all other than she was on the golf team with me, took me to this place. Open Bible Church.

When I thought of church back then, I thought about my grandma dragging me there when I stayed at her house, my mom preaching to me about how I was going to go to hell because I wasn't doing enough to get into heaven, I thought about Chrismas Eve, the night i regretted because I had to spend an hour in a place where people "worshiped" something that wasn't there...

However Open bible was different. Granted the first few times I went they were in the "love and dating" series, and it was awkward, but the people there were welcoming, something I never understood, they didn't know me, I didn't share their beliefs, I was the new kid... It got me wondering, so i continued to go, and I went to sunday mornings a couple weks after I started at the youth. Once again, a whole new group of people, still accepting me when I walked into a place I wasn't sure I believed in. I stood there awkwardly as people worshiped. I tried my best not to counter argue what the pastor was saying.

I just observed.. and observed... then i started listening... and i started thinking.. and wondering... and WANTING to beleive it.. but i didn't know if i could.. Then one wednesday night while people were worshiping i stood there listening to what they were singing about, thinking about what i had done, something i had laughed off, hitting me smack dab in the face. Though this body is where I stay temperarily... It's a gift. To be able to live and breath, to knoew people. The grow from pain, to go through pain. To be able to relate, to be able to believe in something.

Something that I may be persecuted for, something that I will surely loose friends over. But something that can heal me from the past, as long as I'm willing to hand it over to him. Something that will give me hope and courage to reach out to my friends who are jsut like I was. And that's what began my journey...

I got a bible from that amazing friend who brought me to the church, I looked into it. I dug into it till I had found this verse. Isiah 1. 18... white as snow... that astonished me... I could go into my interpertation of it but this blog is already long enough.. But that verse is the reason i decided to get baptized, I decided that I wanted to live my life fully for God, be a vessel for him and his word... He was the only one who could heal me from my past...

Things were going great, but with every great thing there's a downfall... Which has been this last month or so.. Things got complicated. I ran away from everything that had happened this last month. I wish that I hadn't but I did, and now I'm in deep. Those questions I first had were back. Why should I believe in something so great when I've done so many things wrong... but then how many times have I said I in this stupid blog? It's not based on what I've done, is it. It's based on what Jesus did.

So it's time to come clean I suppose... I've been holding thoughts in my head for a whole month that came out last night when I confided in someone.. I'm not sure I can believe this stuff anymore... but last night I got some amazing advice from someone completely awesome.. I'm not done with this.. I'm absolutly terrified of what's to come in 2011 but this is where the healing begins. Facing things head on... This is where the light meets the dark... There is a God. I know there is. It may take me a little bit to get to where I was, but I'm not going to give up. Beucase if there is one thing I know, it's that those few months, were the most happiest times in my life..

I'm not a perfect christian, no one is. I don't know all the answers. I barely know where I stand right now. But I do know, that if God can help me from where I was, then he can help anyone. If there's one thing I want to come of this blog, it's that my friends, dealing with depression, and thoughts of suicide, that they can look at this and see that, why take the road of suicide. It's a long painful road, that I'm still dealing with 8 months down. Dig into the bible, don't let it get to the point where you just laugh off the thought dying, like it would best part of your life. Because the best part of your life, is when you find him.

So dig in. For he is the answer, and that is his story. That is the truth.